roy, our marketing director, texted me kanina. the management team's in bora kasi now for the year kick-off meeting so he couldn't ask me in person. so anyway, he texted me: "do you have an answer na?"

the question just KILLED me. haha.. seriously, it did. i held lang my phone in my hand thinking of what i would say.. thinking of the decision i was about to make.. and thinking of.. how i would feel after. i told my officemates na roy was waiting na for my answer and they were all like: o answer na!! 

haha. my message went something like this:

"haha. unfortunately, yes. I have to decided to stick with the program. even if it's breaking my heart. hahaha! but yes.. would like to proceed as originally planned. "


ok ba? gusto ko lang i-share. i gave them my answer na.. kahit na hindi pako convinced. aargh. 

i hate listening to reason. i always feel defeated afterwards.

i'm at work now, eating pancit canton for breakfast and drinking iced tea.. no one's here yet.. and i just realized how much i love this part of my day.. i love that i'm completely alone and able to give myself time to breathe, relax, and get my thoughts together...

i still can't believe it's christmas in 11 days. doesn't feel so christmasy to me though i'm really trying hard to remember what christmas is all about. haha. i just never thought that the christmas i imagined on having a few months back has been totally distorted. i'm exerting every effort not to think about what should've been 'coz i know i'll probably want to crawl into bed, and sulk and cry and pity myself non stop. rawr.

today, i vow to appreciate every little thing i have in the world. my crazy and wonderful girl friends, my wacko officemates who have become a big part of my life so fast, my huge and noisy family who are forever there for me, and this unexpected job and every perk and enjoyment i get from it. Ok?? Vow yan. bawal ma break. hahaha!!

rawr. hello and goodbye to misery. hello world.. i'm gonna start making the most out of this life. it's time to have fun hunnies.. :p

i think i'm okay... but i think i'm also sad... 

i feel.. fine..? but there's something in me that's telling me i'm not..

i have no idea whether i'm really and truly okay or if i'm just dealing with things this way because... there's no other way..?

i don't know how i really feel..

all i know is.. i can't say i'm happy. 

ask me how i am.. 

my only answer would be.. i'm fine, i'm okay, don't worry about me.

but i'd wanna follow it up with a:

                                                                 "i'm not happy. and i wish things were different."